It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
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A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
