It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
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You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn