It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
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Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Simple enough.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!