Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why the hell does that hurt now?

Me, waking up every morning.

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”

My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.

The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.