Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

Lmao

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”