Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.