It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
