Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

Spotted in the wild

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!