Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christian: You need Jesus in your life

Me: But I can’t find him

Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

I have taken up painting

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

A table tale✨

#TheRingsOfPower

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this