Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

My typo game is string.