It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
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Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
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/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(人__つ_つ
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.