Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers