Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

Therapist: tell me your dreams

Me: cheese

Therapist: no your weird dreams

Me: still cheese

Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams

Me: kinky cheese?

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

I was making a coffee in the office kitchen, and now a woman I work with calls me “Coffee Man!”

I have 1 coffee a day.

Offices are hell.

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.

There was a sudden Jeff in the family

Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes

getting corrected

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

#growingpains

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up

My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.

Me:

My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.

Me: 😑

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled