It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
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Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
