Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

Many hands make light work

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

Me: you got your gaming license with you?

Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point