Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.

Cyber Monday has become too commercialized

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur

The 4 stages of a family vacation

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste