It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
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ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
and this one
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop