It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
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*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”