It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
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When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
linkedin the good parts
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
oh you like nyc? name every rat
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
The most accurate map ever devised.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”