Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother

Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails

Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

Please keep my family in your thoughts. Our microwave broke, and we have to wait an hour for a baked potato.

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.