Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

*eating freshly baked cookies*

4: I want lots more!

Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache

4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.