It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
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My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Hilarious if literal: arms race
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.