Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

Hilarious if literal: arms race

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.

I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*