Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden