It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
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The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Oh, I bet you would be
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Genius.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Me, in DM rooms…
