Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

brian had himself a morning…

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.