It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
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*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Whoa 😂
