Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we’re dead?

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

when you are just born a rebel

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

my dad has had enough

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?