It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
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[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Stop sending me this shit.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
