It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
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[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
thinking about this
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.