It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
You Might Also Like
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Gave my address to a man on Facebook who said he sells & delivers eggs for $4 a dozen if I get murderrred please put this detail in my obituary
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
The honesty is refreshing
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.