It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
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I have a place for everything. The floor.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
With a text.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I love this❤️😁👍
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.