It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
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Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Life is a suicide mission.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
You have been warned.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Breaking news:
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers