Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

If a roomba and a swiffer had a baby, my goodness wouldn’t the house be clean.

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.