It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
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i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
