It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
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All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.