It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
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My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
when nothing goes right… go left
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.