It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
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Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
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Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
is nasa ok
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We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on