It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
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“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Tell the colonel to bring it
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired