it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
new wife guy just dropped
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
A ghost story
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds