Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.