Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue

The struggle is real.

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!