It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
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That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Every BBC series about the universe.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫