It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
You Might Also Like
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you