Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!

Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.