It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I love how every website has a “[✔️] Keep me signed in on this computer” button and it’s just straight up bullshit lol
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Tough love is true love
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth