Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’