Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

socratic questions

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.

Them: Why?

Me: My car is haunted.

Them: Haunted?

Me: So haunted.

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.