It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
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I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I try
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
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