It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
You Might Also Like
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Me [on the couch]: Well, it was a nice holiday break, but now it’s time to go back to work.
Me: [moves to other end of couch and opens laptop]
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
#dnd #ttrpg
