It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
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[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?