It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
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If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
💻🤡
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr