Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

this is one of the funniest videos of all time

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real