Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

Be Careful Driving

#BostonBlizzard2015

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.