It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
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So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!