It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
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WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
hackers play passwordle
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.