Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

technically true but not a great slogan

In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

Somewhere in an alternate universe

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch