it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
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I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things