it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
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The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Suuuuure
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
What the hell happened here.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.