Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:[slathers self in butter]

Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?