Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.