It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
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Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming