It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
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How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
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[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”