It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
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We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
dril cadence
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
#IWishIHadNever noticed
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.