It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
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Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
They also CAN sing✌️
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Pat is about to own someone
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
