It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
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I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing