It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
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therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.