It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
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Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs