It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
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It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
they should create new variants of dopamine
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840