It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
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I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”