It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
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SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
the prophecy has been fulfilled
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Doctors texting each other.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
How can I say no to this ?
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again