It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

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“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain


My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.


[gets pulled over by the cops]

Cop: sir, you need to have 2 or more people in your vehicle to drive the HOV lane.

Me: check the trunk.


MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze


I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off


Murder hornets? Well, it sounds like a welcome distraction, honestly. Let’s do it.


If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.


I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.


“Why haven’t you been answering my pigeons?” – 17th century sext