“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
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Let’s make it weird.
Dont worry. I’ll start.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
[gets pulled over by the cops]
Cop: sir, you need to have 2 or more people in your vehicle to drive the HOV lane.
Me: check the trunk.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Murder hornets? Well, it sounds like a welcome distraction, honestly. Let’s do it.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
“Why haven’t you been answering my pigeons?” – 17th century sext