Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

Me on my way to annoy my favorite person

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

An owl showing some catlike behavior.

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?