it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
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Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Rare photo of two submarines racing
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )