It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
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carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
😂😂😂
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool