Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.

-my cat.

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho