It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
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I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.