It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
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COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?