“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
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Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Extremely relatable.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
wtf management?!
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.